


Disconnected

by Chrissy6299



Category: Indie Music RPF, Kane (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-24
Updated: 2014-01-24
Packaged: 2018-01-09 19:59:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,055
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1150171
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chrissy6299/pseuds/Chrissy6299
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Without Steve, Chris feels disconnected from everything that’s going on around him. Written from Christian’s POV.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Disconnected

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: Chris and Steve belong to themselves. I do not know them. This is 100% fiction, a.k.a. Not Real!  
> Notes: Inspired by the song Disconnected by Trapt (the words and phrases used, not the story of the song.)  
> A huge thanks to sammys_grl and huntress69 for their support and beta’ing. Any and all mistakes are mine.

Jason and Ryan are laughing about something I have completely missed as I’m tuning my guitar. Their conversation isn’t the only thing I’ve missed lately. I see them once a month, but I feel out of touch. Even last year, when we all got together twice a month, I felt disconnected. Just like with everything else in my life.

I’m going through the motions. I do my work; I do it well, but… I’m not really there. I know I’m blessed; I’ve got all that I ever said I wanted. Yet, I feel like the world is passing me by while I meekly follow a few steps behind. 

I know when the moment was that I lost myself, but I don’t let myself think about it. I’ve been trying to move on from the biggest mistake I’ve ever made, thinking that it will get better, but it hasn’t, not really.

Yes, I’m doing the work I love and I’ve got my music, but I miss Steve. He’s right here with me, yet it’s not enough. After saying goodbye four years ago, after agreeing that we needed something else, or, well, me saying it and Steve not arguing, I can’t thank God enough that we’ve been able to get back to an easy friendship after two years apart. 

It’s not like before. Before we were lovers we were best friends, we did everything together. We again call ourselves best friends, but it’s not the same. We get along perfectly; we don’t fight, we’re comfortable in each other’s space, but we don’t talk about serious things and we don’t write together. I always felt the closest to Steve when we’re writing; to watch Steve create a new song from scratch is like nothing else I have ever experienced. Fuck, it’s almost better than sex with him. The atmosphere in the room when we write together, just the two of us, is like a drug that I’ve been craving since that last time. 

Four years later, that craving is still there; I need Steve with me in order to be me. Without him I’m just a shadow of myself, someone who is that what other people want to see, what they expect of me. 

Four years without him, and I can’t do it anymore, I don’t want to and I’m finally ready to admit that to myself. The problem is… I don’t know if Steve still wants me.

 

“Chris. Christian, are you alright?”

Steve’s gentle words startle me out of my thoughts, making me realize that I’ve been sitting here on the edge of Dante’s stage during our sound check, playing the same note over and over again while staring into nothing for probably quite a while.

I silence the strings on my guitar and look up into his eyes. People always ask ‘How are you’ or ‘Are you alright,’ just out of politeness or habit, but Steve, Steve means it; every single time he truly wants to know and will do anything he can to help if there is something wrong. Nevertheless, for the last four years I’ve been pretending, acting as if I’m not broken, hollow. I’m not okay, and I can’t fake it anymore. Now is not really the time or place, but fuck it; now is here and it will have to do.

“No,” I answer softly, though I can see by Steve’s expression that he hears me, that he’s listening. “I’m not okay. I haven’t been okay for years. Even with a job as awesome as Leverage, my music 100% back in my own hands again, and better friends than I could ever ask for, it doesn’t make up for the Steve shaped whole in my heart.”

I curse myself for the words I chose, but really, I didn’t know any other way to express myself. Yeah, I write my own songs, but neither of us ever pretended that I’m anywhere near as good with words as Steve.

I’m still looking at Steve, but for once I can’t read his expression. I don’t know how he feels about me, and I don’t know if I can handle his rejection right now.

Steve gives me a small, somewhat sad, smile, and takes my hand to gently pull me so that I get off the stage and stand in front of him. As soon as I’m standing on my own two feet, he lets go, but instead of pulling his hand back completely he moves it so it rests on my hip, with a finger finding its way through the belt loop there, holding on. It might not seem like much, but with the guys still on stage and a group of fans off to the side as audience, it’s a lot, and it gives me hope.

“It’s been a long time, Chris.”

I stay silent, nodding slightly, ‘cause really, I can’t say anything to that. He’s right.

Steve pulls a little on my jeans, pulling me a bit closer. It’s a perfect distance for me to lean in and kiss him. My eyes involuntary go to his mouth… Kissing him used to be one of my favorite pastimes. 

Steve smiles and gets me to focus on him once more by calling my name.

“I love you, that has never changed, but my life has changed, for the better.” 

I open my mouth to respond. Steve has done some amazing things these last few years, he’s definitely handled our break up much better than me, but I want to be part of his new life, not an interference. He continues before I can explain though.

“However, I, I want you, I want you to be a part of my new life, as my partner. If you’re serious, like ‘aiming for forever’ serious, then I think we can make this work, I want to make us work.”

I smile, and for the first time in a long time it’s not a fake expression, but an expression of joy that I feel throughout my whole body. “You and me forever, I can aim for that.” I lean in for that kiss, keeping it light and sweet; my toes tingle as Steve responds. There might be a reaction from our audience, but I don’t notice it. I found my other half and I found myself; nothing else matters.


End file.
